Well hello again. I know it’s been a couple months. We took a little hiatus in November and December but now we’re back. And with HOT DWARVES!
You heard me. And if you’ve already seen the first Hobbit movie, then you probably know who I’m talking about.
For those that haven’t seen the movie, I’ll give you a quick run down. The book is better (this is true 95% of the time anyway), the movie is really long but doesn’t feel like it most of the time, and it’s about a really small man who goes on a journey with a bunch of hairy dwarves to fight trolls and try to find a dragon but they don’t even get very far because there are still 2 more movies. I’d have taken a little less crazy environmentalist Radagast the Brown for this shit to be broken down into only 2 movies/6 hours instead of a whopping 9 hours of film for a 200 page book.
Anyway, back to the hot dwarves! The leader of the pack, Thorin Oakenshield, is not the hottest dwarf, but he’s def second. Played by an always tasty Richard Armitage, I would not turn hot blooded Thorin out of bed…
I mean, look at how majestic he is!
Now on to the rest! Well, actually there’s only two others completing in The Hottest Dwarf contest. Most of the crew is really old and fugly. But not Kili and Fili!
Fili (the blond) is played by Kiwi Dean O’Gorman. Apparently O’Gorman was in Young Hercules with panty soaker Ryan Gosling. He cleans up pretty well but Fili’s braided mustache is just a deal breaker for me personally. Sorry y’all!
Looking…gross. (Fili is on the far left)
Let’s just get on with it and crown Kili, played by Irish babe Aidan Turner, the hottest dwarf.
Peter Jackson is so smart. He knew that non-super nerds were only going to go see The Hobbit if there was some eye candy. Hate to break it to you dudes, but there is only one female character in the film. A three hour movie about a bunch of short, hairy, stocky dudes that are on a quest to defeat a dragon is not going to sell well without some sex appeal. Enter Kili.
NOW we’re talking. Check out this babely dwarf! If I lived in Middle Earth, I would bone the fuck out of Kili, even if he is a dwarf and only like…5 foot tall. Srsly. I’d forgo my appreciation for tall dudes in order to appreciate these flowing locks and those smoldering eyes. Yup…
Before his rise to hottest dwarf in the pack, Turner played a vampire in the first three seasons of the British Being Human series. I’ve only ever seen the US version but now I will most def be checking Turner out in the original.
While there’s buzz all over the interwebs about who’s the hottest dwarf, you can now rest assured. It’s obviously Kili. I mean, hello! Dude is fraking magical!
And let’s not forget the brief appearance of PoolBoy favorite Bret from Flight of the Conchords! After appearing silently in two of the Lord of the Rings films, Figwit (named by fans), returns, and with lines!
I love you, Bret, but I’d rather bang Legolas!